Colorado, where signage is Full of Lies. When you drive around the country, you come to depend on the highway-helper signs for upcoming gas stations and food. I tried three different times to follow the signs for Starbucks and was thwarted every time: Too far from the highway, impossible to park (no drive throughs), even impossible to find. CRIMINAL!
Best Breakfast
Y’all, three times I went back for this thing: Multiberry Pancake Breakfast at Cracker Barrel. It seems this special offer is now over, so you'll just have to settle for some blueberry or pecan pancakes, which will still be exceptionally good, I have no doubt. But dang.
Best Tacos
Albuquerque, New Mexico. Casa Taco. Oh happy taco times. This is well worth a drive out of your way, like a hundred, or thousand miles. And if you are ever in Albuquerque, there’s no excuse not to drop by.
Best Restaurant Decor
Houston, Texas, Molina's Cantina. OMG, look at this thing. The pictures are so limited but it was this awesome Spanish vibe, lots of wrought iron, warm, low lights, and the best thing of all: Marbled mirrors. YAAAAASSSS MARBLED MIRRORSSSS. These were hot, hot, hot back in the 70s (it was all just disco balls, tube tops, red lipstick, Farrah Hair, and MARBLED MIRRORS) and I get way too overexcited whenever I spot it in modern times.
Scariest Drivers
Sorry California, but Texas has you beat. Primarily Dallas and the surrounding areas. It’s the aggressive Grille Up Thine Ass School of Driving that wins them top prize. Also, it wasn’t California Chainsaw Massacre, was it? Though it easily could have been Barstow Chainsaw Massacre, but I digress. I never felt more threatened by other drivers—not even by my scarce driving experience in frickin NYC. Not a Badge of Honor, y’all.
Best Wildlife
Arizona. In one gorgeous day of driving (the Canyon de Chelly adventure), I managed to nearly run over a bunny, a domestic dog, a chipmunk, and a wily coyote, who actually bared his little white teeth at me as I drove by, mouth agape at the close call…and the close encounter to a favorite wild thing of mine. This is also where I saw those meaty, mouthy ravens and the fearless elk (at Grand Canyon).
Best Rest Stops
Theoretically, Texas. They are new, clean, not too smelly, and well designed. And they feature real plumbing. Real, live plumbing. But my heart will always put those Western Kansas rest stops above all others. They are quaint, simple, clean, and perfectly functional, with those magical outswinging doors and the tinny comfort of weather reports echoing from recessed speakers, voices drifting across the parking lot, and through the plains. Even if you are the only one there, you never feel alone.
Worst Rest Stops
Without even a close runner up, Utah. They are old, broken down, smell like Satan’s b-hole, and offer those low toilets so everyone has to drop it like it’s hot or, I don’t know, just stand on the edge and aim?
Best Traffic Full of Whimsy and Charm
Houston, Texas. There was such a rich variety of foliage and wildlife…it was incredibly lovely and a pleasure to drive around, seeking out all the different libraries and tacos and Starbucks. I also liked how they let each other in and showed a level of courtesy I’d never seen before, at least not commonly.
Worst Traffic
Austin, Texas. Dude. What a shitshow. And yes, even compared to Los Angeles. There were slow downs during my LA experience, but I saw nothing that could compare to Austin. Whenever I think of Austin and its traffic situation, I also imagine the city planners as shaking, wrecked shells of human beings, just trying to make it through the day until retirement to maybe Antarctica or the bottom of the ocean…wherever there are no roads.
Best Scenic Drive
Hands down, everything between Las Vegas and Denver. If you ever get the opportunity to make this drive, DO IT. It is so beautiful—lots of mountains and of course, the finale: The Rockies. It can be a little scary at times, but don’t drive like a maniac and you’ll be fine. Also, get coffee before you hit Colorado. And food. At least until you get to Denver…otherwise, you’ll be driving in endless circles through snowy mountain towns, trying to figure out where the hell all the promised amenities are hidden.
Worst Scenic Drive
Western Kansas (and really, anything east of Denver) may be “flat” but it’s a feathery, soft kind of flat, as opposed to the hellscape route between Roswell and Albuquerque documented earlier in this blog. Close encounters of the Boring Kind.
Coolest Library
Pasadena, California. Oh my God. Oh my God oh my God. Those dark wood stacks, those glowing, dreamy lights, the painstaking dedication to preserving the timeless, aching beauty of a quintessential Library. Swooooon. (Second runner up, a lot of them, actually. I loved McGovern-Stella Link in Houston, Ella Mae Shamblee in Fort Worth, Yarborough in Austin, Beverly Hills and West Hollywood, too. I loved spending time in so many of these libraries, with very few making my Never Ever Again list. What a remarkable treat.)
PRODUCT RECOMMENDATIONS
Okay, to be honest, I am only making this section to scream praises for one product in particular, but I’ll mention others for what it’s worth.
- Like, omigod Sheffield 12-in-1 Hatchet Multi Tool. This thing will totally not fly off the roof of your car when you forget you put it up there and take your first hard turn out of the parking lot. Sturdy little sucker.
- 2-person Dome Tent by Embark. This is a super easy tent to set up and break down, even for just one person. It’s more of a temperate weather tent, so not for super cold, windy, rainy, or snowy situations, but it withstood my abuse so A++.
- Ozark Trail Sleeping Bag, Not Really Sure Which One but Wow. So warm, so soft, so comfy. I’d recommend any of them, but here’s a general link. Cheap as heck, too! (Just don’t set yourself on fire while you are in it. Generally advice to follow, daily. But it is doubly advisable when wrapped in 100% polyester.)
- Finally, the best thing ever: Intex Classic Downy Twin Air Mattress. The link to the WalMart site now has it priced at 15.97, so I guess it was a lucky break that I got it at 7.97? Like, how crazy. I fully expected such a cheap mattress to pop, deflate, or otherwise disappoint. Really, what could I expect? Apparently A LOT. I beat the living hell out of this thing. Remember, I had to launch myself into the backseat to get to my little sleeping area, and while I might’ve tried to spring light as a dove’s whisper at the beginning of the evening when I was still awake and fully present, in my shivering zombie 3 a.m. form, I was really just hurling a corpse made entirely of elbows and bowling balls into the back of my car, violently whipping to and fro to get the sleeping bag zipped and all the blankets back to a complete cocoon state. It has great support and only seemed to inflate and deflate depending on temperature and elevation. I recommend this air mattress so hard, even if you don’t need one you should probably just get one, anyway.
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| Evidence! Before the trip I bargain hunted and kept photos to make it easier. Best. 7.97 ever spent. |
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